You Will Never Know The Why's Behind What Happened To You and "Why" it Doesn't Matter

Last July, I spoke with Elizabeth Liu, the Harvard-educated Staff Attorney of DVLEAP (DVLEAP - Staff bios), a domestic violence advocacy group based in Washington, DC, begun by Joan Meier, Professor of Law at George Washington University.  I asked Ms. Liu, "What kind of female serves another female and her children up to their abuser?"

I went on to explain that I had searched through the family court system to see if I could uncover any other cases my court evaluator, Julie Skakoon, had been assigned to and, to my utter astonishment, Elizabeth Liu finished my sentence for me: "Don’t tell me, you found her own, personal, high-conflict family court case, didn't you?"  "HOW did you know that I was going to say that?" was my incredulous response.

Ms. Liu explained that, while it is not all that common, she has seen it before.  Elizabeth Liu offered the insight that there are many possible reasons behind Julie Skakoon's behavior as a court evaluator, two of which are:

• Vengeance over how she herself was treated in the family court process;

• Countertransference (I have included the following definition from, On Being A child Custody Evaluator:  Professional And Personal Challenges…, Daniel B. Pickar):
• “…Another source of bias can arise from countertransference reactions the evaluator may have to a parent…countertransference encompasses the therapist’s entire response toward the patient…countertransference can lead to bias in a child custody evaluator when either the…parent or child elicit an unconsciously strong negative…reaction in the evaluator.  Such reactions may distort one’s perception, possibly leading to inappropriate or nonobjective recommendations.”

While I believe it is human nature to want to know what drives a person to act in ways that run counter to every standard of moral and ethical behavior, you will never know what triggered the behaviors on the part of your evaluator and judge.  For your own well-being and serenity, you must let this go.  You must ask yourself these questions:  When all is said and done, would it matter if you knew?  Would you feel any differently?  Do the "Why's" behind the behavior excuse it?